Understand Your Child’s Attachment Style

Bonding, connection, attachment…what does your child really need? The word “attachment” might mean alternative parenting styles to some, but ultimately it’s about forming a loving connection with your child in a way that works for you. 

When your child knows they can count on your love and protection, this is called secure attachment. This is the healthiest attachment style and the one we want to foster in our children. Other types of attachment styles include avoidant, anxious and disorganized. Understanding attachment styles will help you build healthy, long-lasting relationships where your child feels safe, understood, comforted and valued their entire lives.

What Is A Secure Attachment Style?

Children that grow up in supportive homes most often develop a secure attachment to their parents or caregivers. They’re able to express their emotions without fear, and they’re generally comfortable showing affection. 

Securely attached children will

• Prefer parents/caregivers to strangers
• Be sad when parents leave but continue to play once they’ve left
• Greet parents excitedly when they return
• Seek parents for comfort when they’re scared/sad/feeling a negative emotion

What Is An Avoidant Attachment Style?

The reserved child that doesn’t express their feelings other than anger often has an avoidant attachment style. Children develop an avoidant attachment style when parents are overly strict and/or emotionally uninvolved with their children. These children often seem indifferent to affection and won’t express emotions other than sudden bursts of anger.

Avoidantly attached children will

• Seem indifferent when parents leave
• Show no strong preference for parents over strangers
• Won’t turn to parents when they’re feeling upset
• Have sudden bursts of anger over seemingly “little things”

What Is An Anxious Attachment Style?

Anxiously attached children are people pleasers. They often are neglected emotionally as children and become clingy to any sort of attention. They can become suspicious and easily distressed but don’t have a safe way to release all their feelings.

Anxiously attached children will

• Be very distressed when parents leave
• Not show signs of excitement when parents return
• Be distrustful of strangers
• Be a people pleaser because they need reassurance constantly

What Is A Disorganized Attachment Style?

Children with a disorganized attachment style show a mixture of both anxious and avoidant styles. This often happens when a child doesn’t know what to expect from a parent — they’re sometimes scared and sometimes reassured by their caregiver. This type of attachment style can be challenging because you never know what to expect.

Disorganized attached children will

• Seem dazed or confused
• Show contradictory behaviours
• Be very clingy one day and avoidant the next

Which One Are You?

If you’re reading through this and noticing yourself in one of these attachment styles, that’s normal. This is the first step to nurturing a secure attachment with your own little one. 

Understanding how you react in loving relationships will help you support your child and ensure they grow up to be emotionally healthy adults. If you’re intrigued, I invite you to join my free parenting program Attached at the Heart, where I’ll help you understand your and your child’s attachment styles so you can build an unbreakable bond.